"Worthy" (by Jada Pinkett Smith), on our way to self-love

As a French Afrocaribbean woman nearing 40, I’m still in awe when I read a book that makes me go “this is me!”. It has only happened three times so far. My shy and awkward teenage self felt validated with “Musical Youth” by Joanne C. Hillhouse. My confused and angry 20-something self felt validated with “Oh Gad!” by Joanne C. Hillhouse (do you see a pattern here?). And now my healing 30-something self feels validated with “Worthy” by Jada Pinkett Smith.

Some critics dwell on the author's (overly) poetic style, philosophical detours, and simplistic narrative structure. I knew I'd be reading the words of a cultured woman who knew the street code, and that's exactly what you get. I would even add that this book reminded me of Stevy Mahy's "Renaissance Woman", which was openly structured as a diary in which the Guadeloupean singer gave free rein to her thoughts on a very specific period of her life. For Jada Pinkett Smith, it's really about telling her earliest memories to the present day and sharing the lessons she learned. I'm well aware that this is a memoir, and my point isn’t so much about figuring out what's true or false, what's realistic or not, especially when it comes to her childhood and teen years in Baltimore in the 80’s. Here, I'm interested in how the author defines her experience as a Black woman born and raised in the United States. In Karukerament’s episode 2, I discuss the representation of Caribbean girlhood, womanhood and motherhood with the film “Rain” by Maria Govan set in the Bahamas. With “Worthy”, I'll discuss these topics from my perspective as someone who grew up in Guadeloupe and who is diaspora. 

For a long time, Jada Pinkett Smith’s life story was told as a fairy tale. The beautiful young woman who falls in love with a beautiful prince who loves her back. They get married and live happily ever after with their two beautiful and talented children, their dream house, and no financial worries. Yet, this young woman wasn't happy. Not saying that she didn’t find joy in being a wife and mother… She did. She was happy, but things happened in a way that made her question how much of her life was a genuine intentional choice. I think the reason people are so vindictive towards her is because she dares to challenge the happiness formula that the patriarchal capitalist supremacist society sells us. Jada Pinkett Smith checked every box of the Happiness guide most people spend their life to fulfill, so how dare she not be satisfied? How dare she criticize a life that most people dream of having? But this memoir isn't about which way of life is right or wrong. It's about knowing that whatever path you choose, it becomes your choice regardless of your childhood circumstances. She shows us what it means for someone to define love in their terms and invites us to ask ourselves if we truly love ourselves because, without self-love, there's no happiness. 

Each chapter ends with an exercise to help the reader find their answers, but here are the main questions “Worthy” made me reflect on. 

What does religion mean to me? 

I'm starting with this question because the prologue recounts Jada Pinkett Smith's first experience with ayahuasca, a drink with hallucinogenic properties used in the rituals of some Central and South American peoples. It was her ultimate attempt to find answers to questions that had tormented her since childhood. It worked for her, but in no way does she present this method as a miracle cure that will work for everyone. It did, however, enable her to shatter the inner boxes where she had locked away all the grief that had gnawed at her since childhood. 

Thanks to her grandmother, Jada Pinkett Smith developed an interest in all religions, whose primary aim is to provide a framework for finding happiness. She does not claim any religion but approaches life with spirituality. As a Guadeloupean woman, I was brought up Catholic, but I'm well aware of the influence of the magical-religious in my way of life, and I think that Caribbean people have developed their own spirituality. Their attachment to the religions of the colonizers is as strong as the ancestral beliefs handed down from generation to generation. And we’re okay with living that way.

My answer: it's up to each individual to define their own values and principles to live in alignment with themselves and with society. My self-discipline enables me to maintain the inner serenity that all religion promises. Every time something unfortunate happens, I have to accept the “it will never be” grief to move on.

What does family mean to me? 

The first chapters of “Worthy” are about the defining moments of Jada Pinkett-Smith’s childhood. It was filled with love and trauma. Pure love and deep trauma. Without going into detail, she shares enough of her family history to understand why she has long suffered from post-traumatic stress and dissociation. Because of colonial slavery, family as a loving and caring unit is a concept that Caribbean culture is still trying to define. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but what kind of environment does the village stand for? What does safety mean when our children are constantly surrounded by (sexual) violence? And going overseas won’t stop the violence cycle as Jada Pinkett-Smith shows us with her grandmother who immigrated from Jamaica. I couldn’t help but think about “Force Ripe” by Cindy McKenzie or “Annie John” by Jamaica Kincaid as each chapter tells the disillusions of a little Black girl who must protect herself because her parents don’t have it in them to make her feel safe… And yet she still loves them while figuring out how to survive. 

Nowadays, we’re quick to judge our parents for our issues, but Jada Pinkett Smith shows us how to give grace because she understands that her parents and grandparents carried their own unresolved childhood trauma… It’s something I’m also learning to do. Acknowledging the hurt that words and actions caused me while letting go of the resentment. Holding myself accountable for my own choices while understanding my family’s circumstances. It’s hard, deep soul-searching, necessary work… It might take several years, but the sense of freedom you get when you can finally accept that “it was what it was” is worth it.

My answer: family teaches about love and pain, but I’m responsible for the way I will love myself. I’m free to learn and unlearn whatever I need to love myself. 

What does friendship mean to me? 

In the past few years, Jada Pinkett Smith seems to have been more vocal about her love for 2Pac. Each social media post she makes about their deep connection triggers violent reactions on how disrespectful she is for showing so much love to a man who isn’t her husband. Do I think she does it on purpose? Yes. Especially now that she explained how she was one step away from taking the wrong turn in life. Jada Pinkett was never someone to play with. However, I also think she’s genuine in the way she expresses her love for 2Pac. The fact that they didn’t get to grow old together probably makes the connection even deeper. Their being both beautiful and passionate about art makes it even more unbelievable that their relationship had nothing to do with sex… Which shows how little most people know about true intimacy. 

Her friendship with 2Pac reminds me how empowering it is to choose to love and to receive love with no expectation but for the two of you to be your best selves. It’s about holding yourself and the other accountable. It’s about respecting each other’s perspective and figuring out when to back off. 2Pac and Jada gave each other the gift of intimacy. They held space for each other to be their true selves at a time they needed to be loved and reaffirmed. They could see each other behind the social mask. 

Losing such a close friend at such a young age must feel even more excruciating as you go on to live the ideal happy life. People keep comparing her love for 2Pac and her love for Will Smith, but it’s a pointless comparison because it’s not the same kind of love. I don’t know if I’ll ever inspire the kind of love that Jada and 2Pac had for each other, but I’m thankful that I also had someone at some point in my life who made me love myself when I didn’t know how. 

My answer: friendship isn’t linear and I can’t measure intimacy by how long I’ve been friends with someone. The way I define friendship is my choice. Platonic love can be as deep as romantic love. Intimacy requires boundaries and commitment.

What does motherhood mean to me?

A few years ago, I released a special episode on Black motherhood in US Black sitcoms in the 90's. Claire Huxtable (The Cosby Show), Aunt Viv (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air), Thea, Harriet (Family Matters) or Nikki (The Parkers) were my points of reference growing up. I don’t have Caribbean references because our culture always gives one-dimensional representation of Afrocaribbean mothers. They're either an angry and resentful person for seemingly no reason or they're so passive that it feels like they don't exist outside of this mother role.

Caribbean cinema and literature have been exploring nuanced representations of Black fatherhood, but I think “Worthy” is my first time reading about the beauty and the ugliness of motherhood at the same time from a Black woman’s perspective. Jada Pinkett Smith conveys the helplessness and the empowerment she experienced through motherhood. The story about how she knew she was pregnant the first time broke my heart. I’m mature enough to realize now that maybe Will Smith reacted the way he did because he felt as helpless as she felt… Still a heartbreaking moment because she was not ready to become a mother. And I’m not talking about how no matter how much you read books, you take advice, you can never be prepared to parent a new human being. I’m talking about young Jada not being ready to give up on the woman she wanted to be. When she found out her second baby was a girl, she was relieved because she knew she wouldn’t have to go through the process ever again now that Will had the daughter he dreamed of… When I read this paragraph, I instantly thought about the baby gender reveal videos where you can see the mother’s distress because the father isn’t satisfied and she knows she will have to endure another pregnancy she doesn't want.

Patriarchy does very little to make motherhood an enjoyable experience. Patriarchy wants motherhood to be experienced as a life sentence, as the loss of autonomy, as the abduction of self-care. In “Worthy”, we get to feel the reality of motherhood. The joy, the fears, the hopes, and the doubts. It’s so important to hear a Black woman voicing out the struggle to keep her agency while building a family. Colonial slavery turned us into “breeders”. The Mammy stereotype made us the “natural nurturer”. What is our worth outside of motherhood? “Oh Gad!” by Joanne C. Hillhouse is set in Antigua and gives us different perspectives. One character doesn't want to have children, another character keeps getting pregnant by choice although doctors say she might die, another character is indecisive about pregnancy… Again, what’s important here is for women to know they're allowed to choose. Jada Pinkett Smith loves her family, but it came with a tax that patriarchy hides from most women. 

In the past two years, social media and podcasting have been facilitating the discussion around motherhood struggles. I’m wary of the current discourse with women saying they love their children but they regret becoming a mother… While I understand some aspects of motherhood aren’t enjoyable at all, I do think phrasing it as regrets may be harmful. Children tend to blame themselves when their parents are unhappy. They don’t have the tools to understand that they contribute to their parents’ happiness but are not responsible for it. 

Jada Pinkett Smith’s parenting style was often scrutinized and criticized. Now that Jaden and Willow are adults who use their platform to create social change, those voices still refuse to celebrate her for demonstrating the kind of gentle parenting that works and that we need more of. I think her approach to motherhood was based on seeing her children as individuals, giving them space to feel their emotions, respecting their decisions. She trusts them to do what's best for them because she knows she'll be there to help them if necessary. That last part is, from what I see around me, the hardest part of parenting. 

In Caribbean culture, many parents think they own their children. They don’t see them as full individuals with their autonomy. They don’t see them as multidimensional human beings with thoughts and emotions to process just like everybody. Back to what I was saying to our concept of the family unit, solidarity and discipline are some of our core values, but we lack the boundaries to implement them healthily for everybody. Solidarity often turns into enabling bad behavior, discipline often turns into dictatorship. Survival mode often leads to self-destruction. And I think that’s why the mother in Caribbean films and books is often portrayed as a mean character or is dead. 

Just like with the “Red Table Talk” concept, Jada Pinkett Smith switches from her perspective as a mother and her perspective as a daughter. How do you deal with your parents when you’re an adult, especially after going through so much struggle? Once again, she shows us how forgiveness can be freeing but so hard to express… This gives us hope about repairing the childhood damages done… It's not just about the daughter giving grace, it's also about the mother embracing her humanity to recalibrate the relationship as two individuals. In her podcast “Small Doses”, Amanda Seales gives us a glimpse of her journey with her mother. Haitian-American psychotherapist and “Unloc’d” podcast host Audrey Augustave also shares her thoughts on healing the mother wound in her 16th episode.

My answer: motherhood is HARD. It isn’t about being a superwoman who fixes everything. It isn’t about imposing what I think is right. It’s about nurturing a young mind so they can make the right decisions for them. It’s about being there for the child but letting them be who they want to be.

What does womanhood mean to me? 

The Caribbean artists I admire are women who live out their passion. I noticed that most of them are childfree, but they nurture our society through their art. That’s why I’m confident with living my womanhood without motherhood.  However, I also notice they usually don't claim a life partner. It doesn’t mean that they’re single, though. It’s just that they chose to operate in this society without attaching themselves to a man. 

Jada Pinkett Smith takes us behind the scenes of her relationship with Will Smith. No matter what the haters say, he would have never reached this level of success if she hadn’t sacrificed her career to take care of their family. She spent 20 years trying to make his dream life come true. While public opinion often vilifies her, all I saw was a woman trying desperately to stand on her own trying to figure out which way to go. I saw a woman being realistic about her expectations when it comes to the couple dynamic, fidelity within marriage, or money. She spent the majority of her life with suicidal thoughts because she just couldn't feel full alignment with the life Will wanted to live. The fact that he hijacked her Red Table solo episode where she had planned to announce they were separated, the fact that he let the world crucify her, and she still kept it quiet to preserve his image up until the release of her book… Is it love? I used to think it was toxic codependency, but now that I “know” her story, I see two people aware that they don’t love each other in the way the other needs to be loved but are committed to figuring out how. And Jada Pinkett Smith has been very clear in every interview to promote her book. Will wants to give her the space to explore who she wants to be. And I’ll add he owes her that much after all these years. They're determined to help each other to find their true meaning of happiness individually. So they may be separated, but that doesn't stop them from loving each other sincerely. It's probably no longer romantic love. Maybe it's not platonic love either... Maybe it's another form of love that patriarchy ignores, but which translates into a reality we haven't named yet? Marriage is supposed to celebrate a union, but no one has said that a separation or even a divorce means the obligation to hate each other. In any case, you can stay married while separated and not feel victimized by the situation.

My answer: womanhood is only about me. No one but me can make myself happy. It’s about figuring out what I’m passionate about through each season of my life. Having a romantic relationship in the process is just a bonus and won’t replace the work I need to put in to make myself happy.

Between 2022 and 2023, I read every essay that bell hooks wrote about love. Some takes don’t age well, but fundamentally she explains love as a practice and not just a feeling. I feel like people keep talking about bell hooks, but they’re lost on how to apply what she says. Jada Pinkett Smith’s memoir shows us one example of how leading your life with love will make you discover the right happiness for you. I mainly read romance, but I’ve never read a book filled with so much love. It’s in each chapter, in each sentence, in each dark moment. Jada Pinkett Smith really breaks down her process to learn how to love herself. It’s a never-ending process. I think… I hope that people, especially Black people, will pick up this book in a couple of years and realize its contribution to our collective healing journey. I hope Black women will internalize that they’re not alone in this healing journey and that we’re all worthy to be loved and to be protected.